


What a beautiful fucking mess

by okbutphan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Album fic, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, BAMF Dan Howell, Based on a Twenty One Pilots Song, Dan and Phil need to sort themselves out, Depression, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Sad Phil, Sad with a Happy Ending, Songfic, twenty one pilots (Album)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2019-01-17
Packaged: 2019-03-18 01:38:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13671573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/okbutphan/pseuds/okbutphan
Summary: phil is terrified to go to his new school, because of his abusive stepdad and bullying at last school, but things change when he comforts BAMF!dan in a school bathroomalbum fic based off self titled by twenty one pilots (i wrote this when i was a lot more edgy than i am now but still enjoy writing it so i thought i'd continue!)





	1. Prologue: Implicit Demand for Proof

**Author's Note:**

> WARNINGS!!  
> mentions of self harm, depression, abuse. they will be mentioned at the beginning of each chapter, but if those sorts of things could upset you, please don't read this.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> phil lays in bed the night before starting at his new school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: self harm (not very graphic but theyre there), abuse, mentions of bullying

 

It's dark, and Phil's just woken up from another nap that he didn't need to take but he just feels so useless that there's nothing else to do locked up in his room. It's dark, but he has no clue what the time is- and rain has just started pattering against his window in the typical British manner. 

He needs to stop this, sleeping too much or too little- it doesn't feel good.

_I know you're not a liar,_  
_And I know you could set fire_  
_This day_  
_Go ahead and make me look away_

Phil lay on his bed and thought. He didn't think about much in particular, just thinking. He'd checked his phone, and it was nearing two in the morning, yet he could still hear raised voices from the room next door- his stepfather speaking in a hushed, angry tone and his mother crying quietly. 

He hated Stephan, of course he did, but he hated his mother too sometimes, like the one time Stephan had gotten so drunk he'd found some broken glass on the way home from the pub and threatened Phil and his sister to cut their throats, and his mother cowered in the corner of the room, not speaking. It wasn't as if Phil didn't love his mum, it's just the way that she'd completely given up on leaving Stephan, and trying to make her family's life better. 

Phil tried to close his eyes again, but he was finding it difficult to sleep- he had a fresh start tomorrow at a new school- the school counsellor had noticed that the bullying wasn't getting any better, and when Phil eventually snapped himself and showed her the scars and cuts and bruises that not only Fin and his friends had done. Her eyes were full of pity- which was stupid, because he didn't  **want** her pity, he wanted to be fucking normal. He sat in the office while she made calls home, and suggested he might be happier in a different school. 

_Strike me down_  
_I am calling your lightening_  
_Down from your dark hiding place_  
_Go ahead and show me_  
_Your face_

Stephan had heard about it all of course, and when Phil arrived home with his mother the argument went on for too long. He went straight upstairs and tried not to listen to the screaming coming from downstairs, probably Stephan calling Phil weak and stupid, and how real men got on with their problems, and if he'd been raised by half a good mother he wouldn't be the mess he was now. Stephan was right, but that was none of his fucking business- as if he hadn't left behind an eleven year old daughter of his own to be with Phil's mum. He wished he was brave enough to go down there yell that both of them were fucking stupid, _Phil himself_ didn't even know why people at school thought he was so irritating and weird and easy to mess with. 

His old glow in the dark stars held little comfort, although they never made him fail to smile when he was younger. Phil supposed this was because he smiled a lot more back then, and there was no need to mark his arms and legs with trembling fingers holding a harsh blade.

_Rain down_  
_And destroy me_  
_Rain down_  
_And destroy me_  
_Rain down_

What  _was_ wrong with him? Why did his family have to be so fucking dysfunctional, why did people look at him and see an easy target, instead of a funny person, or the person who likes animal, the person who laughs a lot. Not that Phil's had lots to laugh about recently. He turns over, trying to ignore the tears rolling down his cheek onto his pillow, his bad feelings twisting and turning inside him, his breathing like a storm trying to escape his shell of a body.

_I mean no disrespect_  
_I am simply very perplexed_  
_By your ways_  
_Why won't you let us_  
_Use your name?_

_"If there's a God out there, he's doing a shitty fucking job"_ Phil thought. Why should _he_ be the one with a stepfather who hits his mother, and thoughts that won't let him sleep? Why should he be the one crying in the dark, scared to wake the monster sleeping next door, afraid to talk about how completely terrible he feels. 

_Rain down_  
_And destroy me_  
_Rain down_  
_And destroy me_  
_Rain down_  
_And destroy me_  
_Rain down_  
_And destroy me_

Tomorrow at school is probably going to be hell, he thought. 

  
_Rain_

  
Tears are falling faster and soaking Phil's pillow. 

  
_Down_

  
He can't stop himself, from pulling open his drawer, taking short, wobbling little breaths in between sobs to reveal an ugly collection of metal. 

  
_Rain_

  
The blade his bow, and his arm the instrument. He played a melancholy tune, one of anger and frustration and nothingness all rolled into one. 

  
_Down_

  
His sobs were almost inaudible, his hand fluttering over his new red angry marks of shame. 

  
_Down_

  
He collapsed onto his bed, his breathing slowing, as he fell asleep, slowly then all at once, and his dreams were nothing to be proud of.


	2. Chapter 1: Fall Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: mentions of bullying,

 

Today was the first day of Phil's new school, and he couldn't afford to make any mistakes. After his last school, he needed a fresh start. He didn't want to stand out, in fear that people would pick on him. He chose a blue top, then black skinny jeans. He then took off the t-shirt and put on a different purple one. He took that off and changed into a grey button up.   
Phil stood in front of the mirror, spending almost twenty minutes on his hair, trying not to make it look like he had tried to hard, for which he'd be called a girl and not like he'd just rolled out of bed, for which he'd be called a hobo and shoved into the bins, both of which were regular occurrences at his old school.

He went down to breakfast where his mother complimented his outfit. She had a darkening bruise under her eyebrow. He decided to skip breakfast and change. At nearly seventeen minutes past nine, Phil eventually ran into school out of breath and wearing the same shirt he'd started with. 

"You're Phil Lester, yeah?"   
The woman at the reception clacking at her keyboard made him pause.

"Uh- yes."

"Late. Not a good first start. Here's your timetable- your first class is English lit- it's down the corridor. Have a good day"

He rushed down the hallway and into a classroom where a semi-bald man was droning on about as enthusiastically as one can when talking about different types of adjectives to a group of teenagers who aren't really listening. The teacher nodded in the direction of a seat and he slipped into it wordlessly. The girl he sat next to was texting behind her textbook and ignored him completely, as was expected. The lesson passed as a blur, and the class was released into the halls.

The hall was crowded, to say the least. The school wasn't massive but in that tiny corridor it felt to Phil like the entire population of the UK was crammed into one space, and everyone was desperately hurrying to one place or the other. He felt his heart start to beat faster and he winced at every touch. Students milled around him, and it felt like they were moving closer and closer. Phil's pale fingers were no longer clutching his books, which had fallen to the floor and his legs wobbled as he tried to stay calm amongst the crowd. He could feel people breathing around him, their bodies brushing slightly against his sides. Everything was too close- he could even hear a muffled voice on the phone as someone pushed past. He felt like a bomb, he'd only be able to take so much shoving and pushing and pulling before he'd lose it completely and have a meltdown. The crowd cleared a little when the warning bell rang and he took Bambi steps to his next class, trying to pick up his books and holding back the panic attack that was about to completely crash over him completely like a wave does a sandcastle- and when did he end up on the floor? 

He's crying now, having a full blown panic attack in the middle of the hallway on his first day and granted it's practically empty but he  _promised_ his mum that he would go to every class even if it was terrifying- but she still doesn't really understand what's wrong with him and neither does he, if only the NHS mental health waiting lines weren't so fucking long, or maybe if they could afford private but that's not going to happen anytime soon, especially with Amy at Uni now and-

"Hey man, are you alright?" 

Phil looks up to see a curly brown-haired boy holding his hand out for him to take. He's wearing a flower ring and lilac nail polish, and is still smiling at Phil even though he looks like a right weirdo. 

"Thanks-" He takes the boy's hand and stands up. His knees feel weak and he's glad that the boy is nearby otherwise he might fall down. "I'm alright, don't worry." 

"Are you sure? Do you want me to take you to the nurse or something?" 

"No, no I promise I'm completely fine." He manages a fake smile but it doesn't look like the boy believes him. "Just point me to the loos?" 

"This way, come on."

xx

 

"D'you want a paracetamol?" 

Phil takes it gratefully, swallowing it down with a clumsy sip from the taps. "Thanks and all, but won't you get in trouble for missing lessons?" 

 

"You're precious, don't worry about it- I'm probably going to be at this fucking school until I'm thirty anyways," the boy says, smiling and leans on the sink, running a hand through his hair again. The the boy stands up and gets close to Phil and looks at him directly in the eye. "So are you going to tell me what was going on out there?" 

 

A lie started to form in Phil's mouth but he saw the boy looking at him again and the truth just fell out. "I have anxiety disorder" he said. "Stuff really gets to me. And it's my first day and I don't know-" 

 

"I get it, don't worry. Anyways, if you get nervous about stuff you can come to me now, I've got you." He grins at Phil and he smiles back, genuinely this time. 

 

"Should we get to our lesson now? I've got french." 

 

The boy agrees and turns around, before Phil catches his arm and asks, "hey, what's your name?" 

"Troye" the boy says with a wink, and then he leads the way to french.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so in England you do your a levels or btecs or something when ur 17 but i cba to make up what they're studying so they're just taking every lesson   
> also hahahaha the wink i miss troye making videos


	3. Chapter 2: The Pantaloon

 

Troye left Phil at the french classroom and left him with a friendly smile. He took a deep breath and walked into the classroom where about twenty students turned to the door.  
"Bonjour monsieur, tu es très retard" The teacher said disapprovingly. "Now what is your name please?"

"Sorry Miss, er-Phil Lester"

"Phil?" The teacher checked the register. "Ah yes. You're very late. Got lost did you?"

Phil nodded shyly. She gestured to the one free seat next to a blonde girl who was bent over her book and writing intensely.

He went to the seat and sat down awkwardly. The girl looked up at him and smiled. She wore a dark blue t-shirt with the Ravenclaw symbol on it, which made Phil smile. She had a wide grin and friendly blue eyes.   
Phil smiled back and opened his notebook. He noticed her turn to the back of her book, write something in it and push it slightly towards him. She nudged him.

In the book was written   
"SUP! I'm Lucie :-)"

He grinned and wrote; "I'm Phil and why the hell does your smiley face have a nose D: thats weird"

She read over his shoulder and elbowed him teasingly.

"Weird? I see your Sonic the Hedgehog underwear"

"All you've done is expose yourself as a perv"

"Oh please, your trousers are basically at your knees. Anyways, I can smell a nerd from a mile away"

"Impressive skill to have"

"Yeah, that and being the queen of-"

Her message was cut short by the teacher striding over to stand in front of their desk and look sternly at them.

"Lucinda, were you passing notes in my lesson?"

"Not at all Madame Adeline, I was simply explaining what Phil had missed." Lucy said.

"Well as a teacher I think that is my job, so if you would kindly listen to what I am saying. Monsieur Lester, do you have a question?" Madame Adeline turned to him and looked down her nose at him.

"No"

She turned and strode back to the front of the classroom. When she turned her back Lucie wrote a quick note, ripped it out of her book and flicked it over to Phil.

"Sorry for throwing you under the bus" next to a quick doodle of a stick figure Phil being pushed under a bus.

He wrote a smiley face on the back of the scrap on paper and gave it back to her.

Phil turned back to his notebook and started to doodle a variety of nerdy shit. "You're good at drawing," Lucie said once the lesson had finished and they were making their way towards lunch. "Hey Troye!"

Troye had come up to stand next to Phil and was now beaming at Lucie.   
"Have you guys made friends? Great, you should sit with us and the others at lunch. What do you have afterwards?"

Phil fumbled to open his homework diary, nearly dropping it on the floor in the process. He ended up dropping his doodle book, and before either Troye or Lucie could reach it, a boy dressed in all black stopped and picked it up for him. He had curly brown hair, and did it without even looking at Phil after he offered his thanks.

"Oh my god.. was that who I thought it was?" Troye gasped.

Lucie was just as shocked and Phil looked at them both in confusion.

"Daniel Howell  _hates_  everybody.... I've never seen him do anything nice like.... ever.." Lucie explained.

"Maybe it's because nobody has ever given him a chance?"

"Phil, I can already tell you're the kind of angel who thinks the best of everybody, but Daniel isn't really like that- he's the stereotypical bad boy in a bad fanfiction, he literally never smiles." Troye said.

"And I heard this is his third time doing his BTECs" Lucie piped in.   
Phil watched the boy's retreating figure and made a note to himself to avoid him at all costs.

"Anyways, now Philip has been educated, shall we go to lunch?"

xxx

Phil held his tray full of food and waited for Troye and Lucie.

"We normally sit over there" Lucie pointed. A boy with baby blue hair spotted her and gave a small wave.

"That's Tyler" Troye explained. "Next to him, with the purple hair, that's Sara."

"Hey guys!" Tyler screeched the second they touched their trays on the table. "Who's this?"

"This is Phil" Lucy told them.

 

The two introduced themselves to him in turn and he sat down and thought about Howell.


	4. Chapter 3: Addict with a Peng

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dans pov, life is strange

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for slight homophobic language, panic attack but not described really, vomiting (not forced) homosexual behaviour and bad writing

Dan hurried out of class to get to his quiet place under the big oak tree, only the cute new boy had dropped his notebook, so without thinking Dan quickly picked it up for him and scurried off.

 

Before he left, though, he heard the two nob-heads talking to the boy say-

 

“Daniel Howell hates everybody.... I've never seen him do anything nice like.... ever..”

 

That wasn't true.. was it? Anyway, it's not like he's mean or anything... he just keeps himself to himself. He minds his own business.

Dan was actually considering going back to the rude girl and setting her straight, but the boy caught his eye and opened his mouth.

 

"Maybe it's because nobody has ever given him a chance?"

 

God, one boy is nice about him and he has butterflies? Get a fucking grip.

 

The curly haired boy and the rude girl both looked at each other knowingly.

The boy spoke this time.

"Phil, I can already tell you're the kind of angel who thinks the best of everybody,"

 

So his name was Phil... and true, he did sort of sound nice.

 

“But Howell isn't really like that- he's the stereotypical bad boy in a bad fanfiction, he literally never smiles"

 

For some reason, that last comment shocked him. There wasn't much to smile about at this school and in his life but he definitely smiled a little?

 

"Dan? Helloooo?" Max said. Max was probably Dan’s nicest friend. He was artistic and sent Dan good music recommendations.

 

"What?"

 

“Are you coming to lunch or what?”

 

“Yeah, just a second,” he said, dragging his eyes away from the group of people badmouthing him.

 

Max followed his gaze to the group loudly discussing how Dan’s colour palette showed he was evil. “Feel lucky you’ve got a cool reputation mate, nobody knows it’s cos you’ve got no fashion sense.”

 

“Fuck off!” Dan laughed and shoved him slightly.

 

“Do you like.. think one of them is fit though?” Max said carefully. Dan came out to Max a few weeks ago when they were high and he had been keeping it to himself for so long it felt like he would burst. Max didn’t care really, but it was annoying how he kept asking if he liked people, especially boys. Especially cute boys with dyed black hair and lively blue eyes.

 

“Pretend I haven’t said anything. Let’s go, yeah?” Max said, seeing the way Dan’s eyes darkened as someone from their group passed by.

Their group were sat outside in the usual table, and as Dan sat down his hair was mucked up by the douchiest and controlling of all, Lucas.

Lucas had dyed red hair and marks on his knuckles from punching walls when he got pissed.

 

“How’s it Daniel, looking emo as ever.” He called.

 

Dan shot a quick smile at him before getting his lunch out of his bag.

 

“I heard that the new kid is like.. gay or something. My cousin goes to his old school and he left because he was bullied for it.”

 

“Where’d he go?” Lucas asked, and Dan couldn’t bare the look on his face as he asked about Phil in a way that could never be good.

 

“Sixth form by Dawking”

 

“Fucking weirdo… I really just don’t get that shit. Probably did something to get bullied, there’s always two sides to a story.” Lucas’s girlfriend, Tash, said loudly.

 

There were mutterings of agreement, and Max glanced at Dan, who was looking paler by the minute.

 

“I dunno,” Lucas said. “I just think its fucking weird.. like not natural or whatever. I wonder if the head teacher asked him to leave.”

 

“I didn’t know you were all such gossips,” Dan said suddenly. Everyone looked at him, and he wondered why the fuck he couldn’t shut the fuck up sometimes. “I didn’t know you cared about some weird new boy that’s all.”

 

Dan felt sick. He felt actually physically sick at the way they all looked at him. If they knew they’d probably be bitching about him too, and who knows what Lucas would do, he was a known terror among the younger years. Dan felt his sandwich coming back up, and ignored Max saying his name after him as he grabbed his backpack and left.

 

The hallway was practically empty, apart from the odd couple making out next to their lockers. Dan ran to the bathrooms, which was always abandoned due to the fact that they stunk and half the doors were hanging off.

He ran into a stall and locked the door and knelt in front of the toilet just in time. He sat down and started to cry quietly as he wiped his mouth on his jumper.

“Not again.“ He whispered to himself. "Not again.”

He could already feel a panic attack coming on, until he heard a quiet voice.

 

"Um... hello?" it said.

 

Shit!

 

"I er- heard you um- and wanted to ask if you were okay?"

 

Was he okay? Was he really? He hasn't been as bad as he was for a while- maybe today was the tipping point.

He isn't really okay, though- is he? He doesn't normally have lunch with the others- he doesn't normally have lunch at all and all you have to do is see the spiderweb scars on his thighs to know he's not really okay- but he's coping, he's in control of himself now. Not like before, he used to drag a razor blade along the side of his thighs every other day, he used to force himself to throw up anytime he ate anything at all and he used to hold a lighter under his hands to try and feel anything but numb. He's coping now, he just manages and that's good enough for him.

 

He forgets that there is another person here somewhere and he jumps when there's a tentative knock from the other side of the cubicle door.

 

"F-fuck off"

He tries to sound angry but he's shivering and he stutters like he does when he’s nervous, or struggling to breathe whilst having a silent panic attack so the person outside will leave.

 

"Listen, I'm not going to leave you like this. Why don't you at least tell me what's wrong?"

The voice is firm but gentle and all Dan really wants is to curl into the person's arms, whoever they are, for being so comforting.

 

"Nothing, please go away.“

 

He's too used to rejecting help. He's used to telling people he's fine and throwing out excuses to whoever questions him for his lanky body and scarred knuckles. He's glad nobody has ever seen his thighs.

 

"If you don't talk to me, or open the door, I'm going to climb over."

 

Dan's eyes widen because- he wouldn't, would he? Whoever this person was, surely they weren't tall enough to reach? Dan was practically the tallest person in school anyway, and he'd have a hard time.

He just sniffled in response and he could hear kicks and scuffles on the door and looked up to see a head over the top of the door.

 

Phil.

 

Phil smiled at Dan and swung his leg over the door and dropped into the cubicle, nearly landing on Dan."Hey, are you feeling sick Daniel?”

 

"Phil?" Dan whispered, "What are you doing here?"

 

"It's the guys bathroom, I happen to be allowed"

 

"So am I.”

 

"I'm aware of that. What I was asking is why I heard throwing up. And how do you know my name?"

 

"I could ask the same," said Dan even though he was well aware how Phil knew his name, "But Mr Scott introduced you in English, dumbass"

 

"Oh yeah, right," Phil said distractedly. "Anyway, I wanted to check if you were okay? 'Cause I heard puking and- OH! Do you want some water? I've got some here take this- oh never mind it's apple juice- just take it anyway-"

 

"Phil, I'm fine" Dan interrupted. "I just-"

 

Phil thrust the bottle into Dan's hands and watched him take a few gulps.

 

"Daniel?" Phil interrupted him this time and looked directly into his eyes as if searching for the truth, which Dan was not going to tell.

 

"For fucks sake Phil, it's Dan. Who do you know whose ever preferred Daniel?“ Dan avoided his piercing gaze and looked at their touching knees instead.

 

Phil gently cupped Dan's chin and it was impossible to look anywhere other than the bluey-grey eyes currently fixated on him.

"I didn't make myself throw up if that's what you're suggesting" He blurted.

 

Phil looked at him sadly and Dan could tell that Phil understood him.

"Do you really feel unwell? I can take you home?"

 

“No, Phil it's not like that, it’s fine. I won't throw up again.” And he flashed a quick smile at Phil, who felt his heart skip a beat.

 

Dan caught his gaze again and Phil had to fight the urge to press their lips together. He needed to remember that being gay was the reason he had to leave his last school, and the reason Stephen hit him so regularly.

Things had been going so well at school, he’d been forgetting how shitty stuff was, and that he needed to be careful. He couldn’t afford any mistakes.

 

Why the fuck were they sitting so close in a locked toilet cubicle? Why did Phil keep glancing at his lips?

 

Their faces were so close, he could feel Phil’s breath, which normally pissed him off, but this was an exception.

 

Phil leaned in a little, just to see Dan’s reaction. What the fuck was going on?

Dan’s breath hitched and Phil smiled slightly.

 

"Phil" Dan whispered.

Was this an invitation to come closer or was he about to ask him to stop?

 

Phil gave him a shy smile and closed the gap between them.

 

Kissing Dan made Phil’s brain go static, his entire body was hot and tingling but he didn't want it to stop. He slid his tongue lightly against Dan's top lip and his mouth opened.

Dan's mouth was warm and sweet, from the apple juice and his hair felt soft in Phil's fingers.

 

Dan was now pushed up against the cubicle wall and had cupped Phil's chin with his soft fingers.

The kiss felt so real and Phil never wanted it to stop, but Dan suddenly pulled away, looking ruffled and slightly shocked.

 

"Dan- I- I'm sorry-" Phil blurted out as Dan scrambled to his feet and unlocked the door.

 

"I gotta go-" He mumbled and raced out of the bathrooms.

 

What the fucking hell was that? Imagine controlling your gay urges for one whole ass day? Was is too late to transfer to another school?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im fr embarassed to post this because i dont listen to twenty one pilots anymore or watch dan and phil but i really like writing so ill finish this story and if its out of character its because idc anymore  
> pls dont mention how shite it is i literally rewrote all of it


	5. Chapter 4: Friend, Please

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the aftermath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no i don't know what the fuck i'm doing if you're reading thanks  
> warnings: mentions of suicide attempts, self harm, self-inforced throwing up, mentions of domestic abuse. sad fucking times
> 
> btw dan and phil and lucie and the rest are about 17

 

"Phil?" Lucie said as Phil left the bathroom. "I just saw Daniel running out like a minute ago- hey are you okay? You've been crying.. oh my god did he fucking hit you?"

"Lucie no, he's not like that,” he said quietly.

"Yes, he is; he punched Tyler once. Nearly broke his nose"

"I'm sure he had a reason or something,“

"Why the fuck are you defending him?" Lucie asked irritatedly.

"Lucie- you wouldn't really understand- I don't really understand. I just want to go home and be alone"

"Phil, you can’t.“

"Why not? Who's going to stop me?" He challenged.

"Me, " She said quietly “Look, your sleeve slipped a little at lunch- and well you know.”

Phil glanced subconsciously at his long sleeves.

 

“I’m not judging you, I promise,” she said quickly. “But I'm not going to say they’re like battle wounds or that they're medals because they're fucking not- all they fucking show is how fucked up everything is and how sad someone can get- and it can get that bad if you let it and Phil let me tell you we may have only been friends for like a day and a half but I am not going to lose you like that.“ Her voice started wobbling and tears threatened at the corner of her eyes.

"It can get that fucking bad and people get that sad because shit happens but it's fucking wrong- you shouldn't be hurting yourself because you hate yourself that damn much. You should be hanging out with people that make you laugh and- and listening to music that makes you feel anything but what you do now, and fucking talking.” She wiped her eyes and Phil put his arm around her.

 

“I know! I've seen it happen- I've seen my own fucking sister, half starved and leaning over a toilet bowl with her fingers stuck down her throat. I had to call my parents and tell them I found Ella passed out and, and I couldn't hear her breathing and her arms completely covered in- well you know. I've seen how fucking bad it can get, and when she woke up in the hospital, do you know what I heard her say, under her breath as she looked around and saw my parents crying and nurses checking her vitals? I heard her cursing, she started crying because she fucking hated living her life that much that she wanted to take herself out of it. So no Phil, you can't go home, no matter what the fuck just happened you are going to stay here, and you don't have to talk about it but I'd really, really prefer you did tell me.” She finished, and reached inside her bag for a packet of tissues, which she offered to Phil who had started crying silently himself.

When she had finished Phil just looked at her in shock and she hugged him fiercely.

“What a fucking mess we are.“ She whispered. “It gets better, Phil.

"Did your sister?" Phil said quietly.

Lucie held his gaze and said slowly, "she still struggles to get out of bed, and sometimes I find her in the bathroom holding a razor but every time she does, I hug her and I tell her that she means the world to me and make her a hot drink and we watch a movie. She goes to a support group and sees a therapist and has dropped out of University because she really hated it and she's slowly building herself back up and she proves to me every day that it really can get better if you want it to"

 

Phil took a deep breath and looked at her. "I heard Dan throwing up and I went in to see him and we talked for a little bit and then I kissed him and he ran away"

Lucie looked baffled. "You kissed him? Why?"

“God, I don’t know. What am I going to do?”

"Hey, I'm sure it's fine," She said soothingly. "He was probably a bit shocked"

He looked at her sadly and wished he could talk to her about everything, Stephen, his old school… but all he really wanted was to sit on his bed and feel the cool metal against his skin.

 

"Lucy- I feel like I'm going to throw up-  _please_  can I just go home"  
"I-"

He pushed past her suddenly. What else was he supposed to do?   
He ran to the bus stop, which was supposed to come in five minutes. Hopefully, Lucie wouldn't follow him. Oh- he  _had_ to fuck everything up. He kissed Dan, his new friend saw his arms and he started crying and ran away. She poured her heart out to him and he rejected her help. The bus arrived quickly and he paid using the little change he had in his pockets. He flopped down in a seat next to an old lady who saw his wet eyes and dripping nose and offered him a tissue. 

The journey passed in a blur and he got off the bus at the stop just a few houses away from his. He forced open the rusty gate and ran to the door when he realised he didn't have his keys.

Phil sat down on the doorstep and put his head in his hands. He felt tears dribble down his cheeks for what seemed to be the millionth time that day.

He couldn't do anything right. He was a failure who kissed people who didn’t want to kiss him and he was an idiot who let his new friends see how fucked up he was on his _second day._

"Phil?" 

 

"Amy? I thought you were still at Uni." Phil ran forwards and hugged his sister.

 

"I've been struggling a little with the work and wanted to come home for a bit- how is everything? Has Mum still not left Stephen?" She reached into her bag and pulled out her keys and Phil almost cried again at the sight of them. 

_His entire arm felt numb and he wasn't sure if it was the cold or the fact that he_ **_really_ ** _wanted to dig a blade into his-_

"Er.. no. He's a lot worse actually. He threatened to kill himself if she left him- he hit her and she said it was the last straw"

"I fucking hate him!" Amy said, half-shouting. "He's SUCH an asshole! He ruined everything and- hey," 

She cupped his face and traced the fading bruise on Phil's chin.

"Did he hit you?" She whispered. 

He nodded. "He does it a lot now.”

"Does Mum ever try to stop him?" 

"Sometimes- he's so strong though. He hits her if she so much as raises her voice a little"

Amy turns and unlocks the front door. "I knew he was a dick from the very beginning, he just had that look on him. Come on, no use standing around in the cold"

He goes upstairs to his bedroom and Amy follows him. "What are you doing?" Phil mumbled.

"Well I don't know why you're home so early, but I saw you crying and I don't think you should be alone like that after last september." She said quietly.

_He remembers. School had been the worst day of his life- he'd been beaten up and as he finally limped away he heard the worst one say "He should just die- it would be so much easier for everyone"_

_It was true, he had thought at the time. Nobody needed him- what was the point?_

"That was the worst day of my life" Amy said quietly. "I thought I was going to lose you"

_Amy had come home after work and found Phil in his room on the brink of death, the bed almost completely covered in his blood._

_She'd screamed and called 999 and he almost didn't make it. If she'd been another twenty minutes he would've bled out alone in the dark._

"Come on Phil, let's watch something." She said. 

They sat on Phil's bed surrounded by blankets and watching Adventure Time on Amy's laptop. Around midnight they were both asleep, Phil with a smile on his face

*****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god this is fucking shit i fr dont know why i wrote the wettest stories but they have to be finished or ill die  
> also fam if any of the above forementioned foreabove happens to u tell somebody dont suffer alone thats the tea
> 
> fr writing dan and phil makes me cringe so much what if they just dont get together and i dont throw up


	6. Chapter 5: Addict with a Pen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dans pov! and the rest of his day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh the tea is IMMENSE, shouldnt be any different trigger warnings than the other chapters

_He was kissing Phil_

_Phil leant in_

_He was currently making out with the new boy twenty minutes after listening to his mates making fun of him._

_But- Phil's lips were so soft and persistent and his hands were tangled up in Dan's hair-_

Oh god.

 

He pulled away quickly looking baffled. Phil's expression immediately turned to panic.

"Dan- I- I'm so sorry-" He said quickly. 

Why? He almost wanted to ask. Phil had no idea what had happened- and Dan leant in too. 

"I gotta go" He blurted out and ran from the bathrooms- ran to be as far away from Phil as he could. 

He ended up sitting in the school field under an oak tree which shaded him from the light drizzle of rain which would've made his hair even more ruffled than it was right now. 

He sat with his head between his hands until he was disturbed by his phone pinging. 

It was his dad.

 

From: Dad

Received at: 12:52

Not home tonight. Food in fridge.

 

That six-word text practically summed up his relationship with his dad, if he'd scrolled up the chat it was mostly one sided from his dad telling him he wouldn't be home with as few words as possible.

Alone with his thoughts all night. Dan generally hated being alone- it made him panicky and angry at the same time. To be fair, his dad didn't spend enough time with him to know this. He was barely home enough to remind Dan to take his medication- which he never ended up doing anyway because it made him feel sick and zombie-like. 

 

Dan stood up quickly and walked slowly to the gate leading to the woods next door to the school. He took his usual shortcut through the woods to his home, pulling out his headphones to listen to music. 

 

 

_And take my hands, they'll understand_

_Take my heart, pull it apart_

_And take my brain, or what remains_

_And throw it all away_

_Cause I've grown tired of this body_

_A cumbersome and heavy body_

 

 

Not long later he was home. He didn't technically consider the house a home- more like an empty place where all his stuff was. He walked up to his room and opened the drawer which held his medication. He glared at the orange bottles which, not surprisingly, didn't have any reaction. 

He closed the drawer again with a sigh and sat down on his bed. Then it sank in. 

 

_Phil kissed him._

 

What if he went around and told everyone? What if he told his asshole friends? He could imagine it now, all of them sitting around a table.

_"You'll never guess what I did!" Phil would say nastily._

He ran his hand through his hair worriedly. 

_What if Lucas found out and came after him?_

Dan could barely think. He slowly sunk onto the floor as tears trickled slowly down his face, his hands trembling and his forehead pressed against the carpet.

It was so stupid that simply being without another presence in the house would make him like this- if his dad was home they wouldn't speak or even be in the same room.

He's never felt more alone than when he opened his phone to call somebody because he's in a state than to realise that he doesn't have a single contact that would give a shit. Not a single number would listen as he cried and offer comfort. Dan slowly falls so he's laying on his side with tears running down the side of his face, hugging his knees.

 

Nobody cares about him.

His 'friends' all hate him without even knowing it.

His dad doesn't even come home to him most nights.

Nothing is more terrifying than knowing that you are **alone.**

 

Nothing is worse than realising that nobody is thinking about you or would care if you got hit by a fucking bus. 

Where did that come from? Sure, when he was bad he'd imagine different ways he could die but he was fine now. He was fine. He had to be fine.

Dan hugged himself even tighter and suddenly realises that that was literally his first hug in such a long time- probably the first since he was nine and his mother hugged him extra hard before he went to school. He hadn't realised that after that she wouldn't be able to hug him anymore- 

His phone chimes suddenly, breaking away from the dusty box in his mind in which his memories of his mum are. He didn't bother to check his phone- what if it was Lucas? Or Phil had found his number somehow-

 

 He is fine. He is okay. He is safe.

He knows how to talk himself through things like this. He is in control.

Images of the orange pill bottles float into his head.

Right. Take something to calm down. Relax. He tries to stand up but his vision goes static and he slumps onto the floor. 

"You are safe. You are okay." He repeats as a mantra in a shaky voice. "Everything is fine. You are okay. Nothing is wrong."

 

It's not fucking okay and Dan knows it. His stomach rumbled so he stumbled out of his room and onto the landing. He stopped just outside the bathroom- his razor is glinting on the sink and it would just be so easy to maybe-

No. 

He caught himself and went downstairs, gripping the bannister tightly as he goes. His head still spinning, he opened the fridge and closed it again. He sank down onto the floor murmuring empty words of encouragement to himself.

 

He stood up again unsteadily and opened the fridge. He took out some crappy microwave dinner and checked the packet. The words were fuzzy but they all roughly took about fifteen minutes.

While it was heating up, Dan stumbled over to a chair in the corner of the room and collapsed into it.

 

Everything was _fine_. Everything was okay. He was safe.

Dan remembers that time when he first told someone that he was feeling flat- not okay. He told the school nurse, with his friend by his side. He was fourteen years old, and he was definitely too young to already be dealing with this.

 

He remembers only being able to make it through a few words before tears start making their way down his dimpled cheeks- he can't quite remember but he's fairly certain that all he managed to say was "Recently, I've been- well, struggling."

 

And the nurse asked exactly how, and he had to explain that it was hard to make it through the day because it felt like he was wading through mud. That it felt like his emotions had bricks sitting on top of them- and if he tried hard enough then of course, he could be happy and laugh and joke- but the second he was distracted then his mood dropped and even being conscious felt like a struggle.

 

He had to listen to his father yelling at him the second he came home- about his bedroom being messy even though it wasn't _really_ \- there were a few books on the floor by his bedside table and maybe his pyjamas where he'd discarded them this morning- and then he would yell and cry and emotions would pour out of him.

 

Once his dad found out how he felt, he stopped. But not just with the arguments- he stopped being a father full stop. Dan could leave his room in as big a mess as he wanted, and his father would apologise anytime Dan spoke.

It was almost like he was apologising for messing up his childhood, for letting his mother go.

 

No matter how many times he apologised, Dan's bottom lip still quavered when he spoke to him and tears threatened to spill. It wasn't his fault that Dan had these feelings- it wasn't anyone's fault- but the fact that he kept bringing it up was painful.

 

The school nurse made him see a counsellor- who didn't help at all because who wants to sit in front of a random stranger and just spill every last thought going on in your head? And in Dan's case, cry because talking about emotions was embarrassing and sad and everything about it was depressing.

 

In their very first session, she asked him, "On a scale of one to ten, how do you feel on a day-to-day basis?"

 

He'd told her five, because that number was flat and simple, although his mind was far from simple- and it meant that he wasn't sad every day because he wasn't.

 

She replied with a smile, and reassured him that it couldn't be too bad then, right? But she hadn't understood.

 

It took two more half-hour sessions during the lunch hour on Tuesday for her to figure out that five wasn't moderately happy. Five was a flat line, five was emptiness. That first session had been the only one where Dan had spoken the full truth. She didn't understand, she was a stranger, she had a smile- which was more of a leer that made him feel like she didn't care about his problems- which she didn't. She didn't know him- she knew nothing about him. He didn't really blame her, who wants to spend the rest of their life listening to teenagers complain about who's friends with who? 

His microwave beeped loudly, and Dan ate his dinner, trying not to think about anything, and when he got in his bed, he fell straight asleep- which felt almost the same as being awake- he was still alone.


	7. Chapter 6: Air Catcher

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> phil goes to find dan the next day

Dan is skipping lessons to smoke, something he hasn't done in months because he promised his dad that he would try to stop, but his dad broke his promise to be at home more so it feels morally okay, and he's had a shit day again.

He opens the gate leading into the field next to the school pitch. It rained last night, and it looks as if it might start again but at this point, he doesn't even care. Dan sits on the damp grass and pulls his lighter from his backpack, and pulls out a packet of cigarettes. He lights it and wonders if he'll even make it to eighteen. To be fair, he didn't think he'd make it past sixteen, but his last girlfriend told the school counsellor that he self harmed- which made him so angry that he passed out and when he woke up in a hospital bed and his dad had to convince the nurses that he didn't need to stay in for full-time care, and he knows now that she just wanted to help him get better but she only delayed things.

Dan's given up on getting better. He used to want to, but after a while, feeling numb was just something he'd gotten used to. Getting so scarily angry that he nearly passed out, and feeling like he was moving 15 times slower than the rest of the world and not being able to control his words was something else too.

Getting diagnosed wasn't the worst part, in fact being spoken to by people who understood why he didn't reply with more than a nod felt like he'd gone through half his life speaking a different language, and was finally being understood.

Making stupid choices was something he was used to. He was used to being impulsive, and not giving a shit until he's tucked up in bed and it's three in the morning and he can't help himself from thinking that maybe other people are fucking tired of him acting like an idiot.

At least now, that Lester kid might leave him alone and so will Lucas, and everything will work out alright.

Who is he kidding? He can remember everything from that day, which feels weird because normally he hasn't had enough sleep to know what's going on. He doesn't know what the fuck to do about it though, hence why he's sitting in the mud on a Wednesday morning feeling like shit and smoking.

The gate is opening, probably meaning that the sports teacher spotted the smoke again and is about to haul Dan to the head teacher again. He spots a mess of black hair and struggles to keep the surprise off his face at the sight of  _Phil._

He sighs and goes to stand up, but Phil smiles at him and sits beside him.

"What the fuck is going on," he thinks, but he takes another drag and ignores Phil.

"This grass is super wet, you know that, right?" Phil says awkwardly.

Dan doesn't reply. Obviously, it's fucking wet, it's been raining all fucking day.

"How have you been?"

"Listen, I don't know if you think suddenly we're friends or anything but we're not, so can you please leave me alone?" Dan snaps.

"I'll take that as a not very good," Phil mutters and pokes Dan in the shoulder. "I only came to apologise, you don't have to be an arse about it."

"Apologise for what?" Dan turned to look at him and saw a faint bruise on his chin.

"You know what," he said and turned away, so Dan's elbow was poking into his back.

"How did you get that bruise on your face?" Dan asked.

"Tripped. I'm really clumsy" he said quietly. He leaned over and picked a clump of grass and started ripping strands apart.

"Did you actually? How did you trip?" Dan moved closer to him to hear as he was getting quieter and quieter.

"Not sure"

"What?"

"I don't know." Phil repeated, barely louder than the first time.

"How can you not know?" He persisted, but noticing that Phil looked pissed off as well as being on the brink of tears, he dropped it. "Thanks"

"For what?"

"Making sure I was okay yesterday. I wasn't really, which is probably why I ran off. And because I finished your apple juice."

Phil stopped pulling up grass and looked at him and smiled a little. "That's okay, I'm sure anyone would have done it. Why weren't you okay?"

It was Dan's turn to drop his gaze and turn away. "Dunno. Just wasn't."

"I feel like-"

"Okay Phil, you're nice and everything but if you won't talk to me about anything I'm not exactly going to trust you," Dan said.

His cigarette had been forgotten and he stubbed it out, sighing at the waste and pulled out another one.

"That's gross," Phil said, wrinkling his nose.

"I wasn't going to offer you one anyway." He said easily.

"My mum's boyfriend did it," Phil said after a few moments.

"Smoke?" Dan asked and Phil shook his head in reply.   
Dan nodded as if he understood. "How long have they been together?"

"Two years or something. It got a lot worse after my sister left for uni though, she called the police on him once so I think it scared him a bit."

"Why don't you call them?"

"Just can't."

Dan saw that that was all Phil was going to say, so he spoke. "My friends were being shit about gay people. I'm not though. Well, I'm bisexual. But it just made me feel like shit."

"Some friends" Phil scoffed. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"How do you know I didn't?"

"Don't seem like the type of reaction from someone who fought back to go hide in the loos."

"There's your answer then, I guess. I just didn't want to get involved." Dan took a long drag and then another.

"Didn't want to get involved in telling your friends to shut up?" Phil asked tactlessly.

"If you care so much, why didn't you say anything when your friends talked shit about me after French?" Dan stood up and shoved his lighter into his pocket. "Listen, Phil, sometimes you can fight and sometimes you just have to lie back and take it so maybe they'll leave you alone quicker and nothing will leave a mark. You don't fucking get what it's like, you can rock up to school and join a clique in about twenty minutes- I've never fitted in and maybe I never really will, so you can shove your fake niceness up your arse because I don't want it."

And he stormed off, leaving Phil alone on the grass, and when he thought it wouldn't get any worse, it started raining again.

Fucking stupid Dan and his emo shit sitting in mud and smoking during lessons. He'd gone through the effort to ask one of his friends where he might be, and he sat and told him about Stephen, and then he gets left alone and it starts fucking raining. Absolutely typical. Phil did know what it was like, not that he was going to tell Dan that  _now._

He trudged back inside and found Lucie, who told him that Howell had always been like that, and it was stupid to even try. He should've listened to her, instead of in wet grass and getting his only jeans muddy, and let himself be insecure around a stuck-up dick.


End file.
